We Blue States are leaving you red states to form a more perfect union and you red states can even keep our married name, The United States.
Our new blue state country called New America, starts in California, goes up to Oregon, Washington, across Canada to grab Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and the rest of New England– that’s New America, you red states keep the rest. I haven’t checked on this plan with Canada but, nobody whose in the Monkees says no to joining the Beatles, so Canada’s in.
If you red staters want, all the normal business blue and red states do now can continue — there’ll be trade and commerce between our two countries, the Chicago Cubs will still play the Florida Marlins, it’ll be business as usual.
You Red Staters can keep the Constitution and Bill of Rights, New America has copies and we’re going to fix them anyway. Our second amendment will make it clear, for example, you can’t buy a rocket launcher at a flea market. Little tweaks like that.
New America will have lots of religion, Baptists, Buddhists, Agnostics for Jesus, the whole range, just not in the public schools. No new “creation-ism” science books needed, here. Imagine the savings.
Abortion will be legal within limits but we’re also going to finance tons of scary sex education in our schools, too, and soon we’ll have tons fewer unwanted pregnancies than you. Our Blue State New America kids will know how and why what got into them got into them. Fewer doctor visits, imagine our savings….
We will split up the military, we blue staters pay for most of, but we’ll share it with you. Our two nations certainly could, in the future, have a coalition of the willing, at times. But New America will be unwilling at other times. And because we won’t be attacking nations that didn’t attack us first, inflaming, for example, the whole of the already testy Arab world, again, imagine our savings.
We will have an energy policy that looks beyond oil. You can have Alaska if we can have Hawaii.
Electronic voting machines in New America will have a paper trail. That only seems fair. If I can get a piece of paper proving I paid for a Slurpee at 7/11, I should be able to get a piece of paper saying who I wanted to be the leader of the free world. Again, that only seems fair. In fact, that seems to be the essence of, hmmmm, (I’m scratching my chin) what was that again, oh yes, democracy.This break up is going to be good for both of us because blue states generate a disproportionately huge amount of the tax revenue spent propping up you red states, again, imagine the savings for New America, and after we split you red states can prove what you can do when the government gets off your back. With no more spousal support from us keeping you down you red states will flourish and prosper and you’ll soon forget we were ever married.