– If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
– You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
– If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
– Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
– Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
– Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
– Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
– Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
– 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
– Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.
– Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
– Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
– Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
– Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
– If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
– Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
– Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
– Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
– When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
– When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
– Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
– The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.
– Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
– Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
– People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
– It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
– Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
– Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
– Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why theres no life on Mars.
– When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
– Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
– Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
– Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
– Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
– Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
– After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it.
– There is no such thing as the theory of evolution, but only a list of animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.